Separation Notice

Separation Notice by Jenny Bhatt

Dear Saint Medard,

This letter serves as thirty (30) day notice that your employment has been terminated. After a detailed global disaster trends analysis, management has decided that your position, Patron Saint Against Disasters, will be eliminated. Both natural disasters and those in our lives have increased exponentially, and your June 8th Feast Day no longer provides the “40-day same-weather” guarantee, as in earlier centuries. Your additional patronages—imprisonment, captives, sterility, toothache, brewers, vineyards, harvests, the mentally ill, and peasants—will be absorbed by other Saints.

You are to return your coat of arms and the current Rosière (including her 24 accompanying white-robed girls and boys, 1 crown of 12 roses, 2 arrows, 2 tennis balls, 1 whistle) to the storeroom, remove belongings (especially the pet eagle that sheltered you from bad weather as a child) from your office, and contact Human Resources for your exit interview.

We thank you for your services over many centuries and regret how things have to end. We wish you the best in future endeavors, and remind you of the anti-competitive contractual clause that prohibits you from ever taking on any work related to your past patronages.